Falling Out of Love
What It Teaches Us About Change
By Monica Leon
February is a month of contrasts—some celebrate new love, others cherish growing relationships, and some see it as a commercial ploy. For others, it’s a month best avoided, especially when one has fallen out of love without the other noticing.
At this point, some of you may be wondering— what does falling out of love have to do with change? Well, it gives us a direct experience of a type of change we rarely talk about, one that is constant and silent. We often see the event of a breakup as the moment that signals change—the breach or gap that makes us realise things have transformed from loving to not loving. That’s when the alarms go off: Who are you with? How dare you do this to me? Get out! Why can’t things be like they were before? Or Let’s try therapy and give it another shot.
Silent Transformation - The Unfolding Change
In organisational life, a similar phenomenon unfolds—though with less personal drama. The event that makes change undeniable could be a blown budget, colleagues who can’t stand to be in the same room, critical information not being shared, redundant processes slowing everything down, or teams working hard yet making no real impact. It could be the latest "big initiative" employees already know will fizzle out or engagement scores that paint a bleak picture. These breaches signal that change has already happened — whether or not we were paying attention. This becomes the event that we all see and feel.
This brings us to François Jullien's concept of silent transformation—the idea that change often unfolds gradually and imperceptibly, only becoming evident when its effects are undeniable. Jullien contrasts European and Chinese philosophical perspectives on transformation, highlighting how subtle shifts in relationships, organisations, and even societies often go unnoticed until a breach forces recognition.
In our personal lives, we may not notice love fading until a breakup makes it undeniable. In organisations, the same silent shifts occur—teams drift apart, inefficiencies compound, and engagement slowly erodes-- until a crisis forces action or, worse, inertia (*deny, deny, deny—nothing to see here*). But what if we could tune into these silent transformations earlier, recognising them as they unfold and responding with intention before we’re caught off guard?
Tuning In Into Continuous Change
Before we jump into action—something many of us are Pavlov-trained to do—let’s pause and reconsider the nature of this change. François Jullien describes it as silent rather than invisible. It’s silent because it unfolds whether we notice it or not, whether or not someone points it out. In organisations, this often leads to a scramble for scapegoats (Why didn’t anyone tell me this was happening?), when in reality, the shift was happening all along.
This kind of change is global and continuous, yet we often perceive only its local and discontinuous effects. It emerges in work left undone, conversations avoided, a slow shift in how customers engage with our products or unnoticed shifts in workplace priorities. We assume stability, believing that if we keep following the same routines, nothing will change—until it does.
Silent transformation unfolds so gradually that it often escapes immediate notice. It builds incrementally, sometimes compounding over time, sometimes forging an entirely new path. Mainstream change management, in all its forms, rarely taps into this subtle yet powerful current of change.
Unowned Change - Do We Need To Intervene?
Robert Chia (2014) expands on this idea, introducing the concepts of owned and unowned change. He suggests that recognising unowned change—those shifts that happen without a clear initiator—calls for a different management approach, one that prioritises letting it unfold over constant intervention. This perspective challenges the conventional view that change must always be driven and controlled, instead recognising it as an ongoing, natural phenomenon.
Our approach to working with subtle/gentle change differs from Chia’s. While he positions managers as protagonists in recognising and responding to unowned change, I see it as more of an ensemble production—one where people collectively develop new ways of making sense of what they perceive. No single perspective is enough to detect those subtle moments of potential inflection. Such inflection allows for small, timely, and quiet interventions to release the latent forces of change already present in every organisational situation.
Applied Complexity Approach: Recognising and Making Sense of Evolving Patterns of Interaction
An applied complexity approach that supports complexity absorption focuses on how agents—both human and non-human, internal and external—interact. It’s about recognising the patterns these interactions create, shift, and reinforce over time, allowing organisations to work with change rather than constantly chasing or resisting it.
For those who view organisational life through the lens of dollars and productivity, consider this: While some claim that 50–70% of change initiatives fail, pinning down an exact number is tricky. What we do know is that overlooked change takes a toll.
Failing to recognise and adapt to subtle, ongoing shifts can erode productivity, stall efficiency, and fuel employee dissatisfaction. When these natural transformations go unnoticed, morale declines, valuable talent leaves, and resistance to future change builds. Organisations that ignore these silent shifts don’t just struggle to adapt—they risk stagnation, losing their edge in innovation, agility, and market position.
And yes, for those waiting for the three- or four-step process, here’s the reality: it depends. Learning to work with subtle, gentle change is like learning a new language—you have to move differently, shape new habits, and adjust to unfamiliar rhythms. Just as different languages change the way your mouth moves with their unique sounds, change requires you to adapt, embrace new ways of working, and let go of rigid formulas. What works in one relationship, team, or organisation may not work in another. What’s needed isn’t a set blueprint but practice, awareness, and guidance to navigate change effectively.
Because let’s be honest—you don’t want your clients, employees, or stakeholders falling out of love with you. A bouquet of roses in February won’t mend a relationship that’s been fading for over 300 days.
P.S. If you’re still struggling to see silent transformation, try this: Find a photo of yourself from 2010. Hold it up to the mirror next to your reflection today. Now tell me, what do you see? 😊
Monica Leon is an experienced OD practitioner, facilitator and coach who believes in tapping into the collective wisdom to co-create. Monica supports her clients in crafting flexible strategies to tackle complexity and uncertainty. She has worked, lived and studied in four continents. Monica currently lives and works in Auckland, New Zealand.